Monday, September 30, 2013

this song

wow. just wow.

"Pushing Back The Dark"
by josh wilson
One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

(Let your lights all shine...)
Oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.
He is the light that burns inside your soul,
So keep on shining 'til the whole world knows.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Just keep on pushing back the dark, dark.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Cause somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark, yeah

(Let your lights all shine)
When you feel like you're too small
(Let your lights all shine)
To do any good at all
(Let your lights all shine)
Like a sunrise through the window
(Let your lights all shine)
Like a symphony crescendo
(Let your lights all shine)
We are waking up again, we are rising from the dead
(Let your lights all shine)
We are shining like the stars, we are pushing back the dark
(Let your lights all shine)
Yeah, we are pushing back, pushing back the dark
(Let your lights all shine)
We are pushing back, we are pushing back, pushing back the dark
(Let your lights all shine)
Just pushing back, we are pushing back, pushing back the dark
(Let your lights all shine)

i was driving up the hill to pick up my sister from campus and this song came on. i'd never heard it before and i just started crying because God was *talking* *to* *me.* i was just blown away with it. how it encapsulated what i'd been feeling and then *answered* it. 

so, thank you, josh wilson, even though you'll never read this. thank you, God! wow. thank you, God, for loving me. even me.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

summer's end

it came today; the snow.

great, white, fluffy flakes falling down from a darkened sky. ah, how i wish summer could go on forever! and maybe that's what heaven will be like. {fingers crossed}

but part of me is oh, so happy because now i can *breathe.* breathing is good, right?

in summer we just *go, go, go.*

and last saturday becca and i chose to make that our *last* saturday at market. and when we woke to a thin cover of snow this morning? sooo happy i didn't have to go sit out in the cold today!!! market's on wednesday and saturday and sunday.


now for the cold, the dark, the time of settling inside. i want this winter to be a time of renewal and turning inward. a time to fill the artistic well and to *create.* becca and i have committed to spend time on our etsy shop, which i'm actually really excited about. i want to finish my room and get the studio in working order so we don't have to steal time at the kitchen table. i want to paint every week and make jewelry every day. 

so many plans!

God, i pray you will shine your favor on my endeavors. i pray that the works of my hands will be pleasing to you. help me shine, Father God. show me the way.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

goodness me, oh my

so summer in alaska is *crazy.*

seriously. crazy.

we've just hibernated for six months and suddenly there's ***light.***

all. the. time.

so we run around with hearts aflutter and dogs frolicking beside us, flowers in our hair and sunlight streaming from our skin.

all this to explain where i've been the past few months.

out there. doing it.

i wish you well, my friends!

must. go. back. out. side.

Friday, March 22, 2013

i'm back!


so sorry for the long hiatus. i've been gone, and dealing with a lot of emotional stuff. as my last post indicated, right? i hope everyone is doing well! i've missed you all so much!!!

God has been teaching me that i need to not allow others' words to impact me the way they do currently. because right now i'm living with two verbally abusive people and it's *excruciating.* i need to not take what they say to heart. i'm working on it!!!

i've figured out what i'm going to be! a nail tech!!!

here's my fist attempt. my sister loves butterflies. can you tell it's supposed to be a butterfly wing? (fingers crossed!) i haven't had any of the training yet, but i wanted to see what it's like and if i can do it. i totally loved it! i know i see all that's wrong with the manicure--i'm so self critical!--but i also am willing to embrace my beginner-ness. it's my first! so i'm trying to be gentle with myself and *not judgemental.* 'trying' being the operative word here.

i'm also taking a painting class at my church. i haven't painted in about six years. i've so missed it! here's the second painting.

i did it in one session--an hour and a half. i *never* paint that fast. it felt like it just poured out of me. again, i see all that's wrong with it. but i also really love it. i think it's a spiritual self-portrait. does that sound too kooky? i don't know...

i wish you all well! may the joy of the tiny beautiful moments in your life hit you like a thunderbolt today!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

into the abyss

it is very hard to resist being pulled down, down, down when all you hear around you is negative voices. i don't know how to have teflon skin. how does one just shake it off instead of internalizing it? because that's what i do; just add this horrible name my brother-in-law called me to the ever-growing vastness of my own self-hate.

it is *so* *hard* to stay positive in the face of the day-to-day. yes, i made a mistake. i said i was sorry. but it's not enough, is it? i'll just never be good enough.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

memories and thanks blog hop reveal

hello, friends! and welcome, visitors!

today is the reveal for lori anderson of pretty things' memories and thanks blog hop. lori, brain-child-extraordinaire, came up with this hop idea in honor of marianne, a fan of lori's who died quite unexpectantly. go read pretty things to learn what marianne meant to lori.

in turn, lori proposed to those of us in the bead soup cafe on facebook to choose either marianne to honor, or someone in our own lives that has touched us deeply. a blog hop as a circle of gratitude? count me in! i really am so very honored to be here in the midst of such a lovely group of women.

those of you who have visited my little corner of this interconnected, virtual highway, may know of my sister, rebecca. i mention her often. she is, in fact, my most favorite person in this whole wide world.

i utterly adore her.

we moved around quite a bit, because of my father's job. he was a forester and botanist for the bureau of land management. i went to eight different schools! that's a lot of moving! so, really, my only consistent friend was becca. we knew each other's baggage and we knew our family's secrets. we were the victims of sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. we are each other's witnesses. we are the survivors, wandering through this desert, looking for a fresh spring and a cool tree. we are each other's springs and each other's shady place.

i love this story; when my mother brought me home from the hospital, becca couldn't wait to hold me. and the photo mother took of becca holding me is sooo adorable. she has this humongous grin on her face, me spread across her tiny lap. she had decided that i belonged to her. and that's just the way it was. we belonged to each other. sure, okay, we argued occasionally. but never seriously. we are each other's repositories of memory. she is, honestly, the only reason i'm still here today. so thank you, becca, my beloved sister. you ground me. you hold me. you remind me of who i am and why i want to stick around.

you gave me two gorgeous nieces; deborah and abigail.

i utterly adore *them* now, too. so becca, you have brought more love to my life. i couldn't be complete without all of you. thank you, thank you, thank you. i don't think i'll ever be able to express what you've meant to me, becca. you were the person who showed me there was good in the world, that there is light here on earth, even in the midst of this dark night. you showed me what hope looks like. you pointed me to the Light of the World; Abba-Father, Jesus, Son of God. you led me out of the wilderness. and you held my hand when i was afraid, in the midst of the wilderness.

i decided to make something green, because becca's favorite color is green. i used freshwater pearls, because her favorite stones are pearls.

please forgive my terrible photos. my camera is in the throes of death. the macro button no longer registers, so i'm hovering over the work, shaking dreadfully. at least i can still turn off the flash, right?

here is my button and peanut sead bead ring clasp. i love making my own clasps!!!

the wire work is in honor of my sister's a-maz-ing wirework art necklaces. here is one of them.

she was inspired by the irish mermaids who rescue drowning sailors, instead of the more common vengeful mermaids you read about from elsewhere. i love her work!!! we share a business; two sisters, and sell our jewelry at the local farmers market. it's such a treat to spend all day with her twice a week in the summer. i look forward to those days, since she is so busy most of the time, with her little family and her teaching job.

here is the bulk of my piece. all of the pieces were chosen especially for becca; her favorites colors and stones and things and some of what she means to me. i'll try to explain everything.

first; the leaves. there are several, in different materials and colors. since our father was a forester and both of us were born in oregon, we both have *exceedingly strong views* on our land resources, specifically the trees. when we lived in oregon it was the early to mid-seventies, when they were wisely managing the forests. when they moved dad to california to work in the deserts, the blm shifted their focus. maybe lost their focus. i don't know the politics of it. suffice it to say, the powers that be switched from wise management to cutting down huge swaths of old-growth forests. you could say rebecca and i are deeply troubled by this decision. you wouldn't be anywhere near the root of our anger. so; leaves for our childhood camping trips to the woodlands that are now gone. there is a striated  stone on the top there that was gathered, cut, polished, and drilled by a friend of ours from farmers market. my father was also a rockhound. i remember weekend trips out to the desert to dig in the sand to find garnets and trips to the beach to find agates and trips to the forests to find petrified wood. both my sister and i have a deep and passionate love for rocks and an affection for those who call themselves rockhounds. the key symbolizes how she knows the quickest way to unlock my heart. i trust her. i freely gave her that key. the magic polymer clay bead is one i made myself, and refers to the rich imaginative worlds we created together throughout our whole lives. her favorite beads are crystals, so i put several in, just for sparkle. she does love her sparkle. :) there are several briolettes, because that's her favorite bead shape. and the long brass drop is for whimsy. everyone needs a bit of whimsy, especially becca, because she tends to go all serious much too often. i guess we both tend to do that!

there it is, my homage to my beloved sister. let me leave you with the signifigance of the wing, probably the most important part.

becca, i want you to remember to *fly* this next year. *fly* *free.* for you carry my heart in your hands, and that heart is often quite heavy. so fly free, dear one. you don't have to carry it anymore. i've got yours, for now. so fly free. and feel the release of blessed, blessed quietness in your soul. God is your rest, and your hiding place. he makes you to soar on the wings of eagles.

my sister is participating in this blog hop! please visit her blog here.

here is the list for the rest of the hop. happy memories everyone! and thanks, for stopping by.

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Hostess, Lori Anderson       Pretty Things

 Adlinah Kamsir                   Dream Struck Designs
 Aimee Biondolillo               Aimee's Jewelry Treasures
 Alicia Marinache                 All the Pretty Things 
 Andra Marasteanu               Handmade by Indra Marasteanu 
 Andrea Trank                      Heaven Lane Creations
 April Grinaway                   Brooklyn Bead Goddess
Barb Solem                         Vivi Magoo Presents
Becky Pancake                    Becky Pancake Bead Designs
Beth Emery                         Stories by Indigo Heart  ******you are here******
Bonnie Coursolle                Jasper's Gems
Cassi Paslick                       Beads: Rolling Downhill
Catherine King                    Catherine's Musings
Cece Cormier                      The Beading Yogini
Chandra Leitz                     Juniper Goods
Charissa Nesler                   FireStorm Designs
Charlie Jacka                       Clay Space
Christina Hickman              Vintage Treasures Jewelry

Christine Stonefield            Sweet Girl Design
Chrizette Bayman               Bead Soup Mix
Cindy Wilson                      It's My Sea of Dreams
Crystal Thain                      Here Bead Dragons
Cyndi Lavin                        Beading Arts
Debbie Rasmussen             A little of this, a little of that
Denielle Hagerman             Some Beads... and other things I like
Diana Gonzalez                  Arte y Poemas
Diane Hawkey                    diane hawkey
Dita Basu                            ankarshilpa
Donetta Farrington             Simply Gorgeous
Dyanne Everett-Cantrell     Deeliteful Jewelry Creations
Emma Todd                        A Polymer Penchant
Erin Kenny                         beadiful therapy
Erin Prais-Hintz                  Treasures Found
Gina Hockett                      Freestyle Elements
Gloria Allen                        Innovative Dreams Jewelry
Heather Marston                 CSW Designs
Inge von Roos                    Inge's Blog

Jacqueline Marchant          Fiddledeedee Jewelry
Jami Shipp                         Celebrating Life!
Jean Yates                          Snap Out of it Jean, There's Beading to Do!
Jennifer Reno                     Musings of a Crafty Jenny
Jenny Robledo                   Peppa's Dream
Jennifer VanBenschoten    Jewelry, Art and Life
Jessica Klaaren                  Cellar Door Jewelry
Jessica Murray                   Whimsical Monkey
Joan Williams                     lilruby jewelry
Jo-Ann Woolverton            It's a Beadiful Creation
Joanne Browne                   josjewels1
Jodie Marshall                    Jodie Marshall Lampwork Beads Wearable Art
Johanna Rhodes                 Fire Phoenix Creations
John Rasmussen                 Rasumussen Gems and Jewelry LLC
JuLee Wolfe                       The Polymer Penguin
Julie Bean                           Blue Pig Blog
Karen Mitchell                   Over the Moon Designs
Karin King                         The Sparklie Things Blog
Karin Slaton                       Backstory Beads
Kat Douglas                       Washoe Kat's
Kay Bolton                        Toodles and Binks
Kelly Hosford Patterson     The Traveling SideShow
Kim Ballor                          Vitamin C ... A Daily Does of Creativity
Kim Dworak                       CianciBlue
Kim Houston                       The Pink Martini
Kym Hunter                         Kym Hunter Designs
Laren Dee Barton                Laren Dee Designs
Lea Avroch                          LA Jewelry Designs
Leanne Loftus                      First Impression Design
Lena Adams (Mari's daughter) -- TBA
Liddy McLaughlin               Liddy McLaughlin Art
Linda Florian                       Lily's of the Valley Jewelry & Creative Creations
Linda Inhelder                     Must-Haves Jewelry
Lisa Hamilton                      Simply Irresistable Jewelry
Lisa Suver                            Fancee That
Lori Bowring Michaud        Artfully Ornamental
Lori Poppe                           Adventures in Creativity with Lorillijean
LouAnn Elwell                    Southpass Beads
Mandi Effron                       Craft-o-licious
Marcia DeCoster                 MadDesigns
Marcia Dunne                     The Alternative Foundry
Marie Covert                      Creating Interest
Marjorie Savill Linthwaite     bennubirdrising
Marlene Cupo                        Amazing Designs by Marlene
Martha Aleo                           Ornamento
Marti Conrad                          Marti's Buttons -n- Beads
Mary Ellen Parker                  BeeTree by m.e.
Mary Govaars                        MLH Jewelry Designs
Mary Lindell                          Mary Lindell Artisan Jewelry
Maureen Connolly                 Mrs Beadsley's Workshop
Maybeline Tay                       The Jewelry Larder
Melissa Elgin                         The Addicted Beader
Melissa Mesara                      one-eared pig beads
Menka Gupta                         Menka's Jewelry
Michaela Pabeschitz              la mar de bonita
Mischelle Fanucchi               Micheladas Musings
Mona Rae Baroody               Who Does She Bead She Is?
Nan Emmett                          Spirit Rattles -- Spirited Earth
Nancy Pedersen                    Something Heartfelt by Nancy
Natalie Davidson                  NorthShore Days
Nikki Douglas                      Bead It and Weep
Pam Farren                           re-maker
Pam, the Crazier Sister        The Crazy Creative Corner

Priya Krish                           Hellopalz  
Rebecca Anderson               Song Beads
Rebecca Sirevaag                 Becca's Place
Robin Kae Reed                   Artistry HCBD
Rochelle Brisson                  a creative chelle
Sabine Dittrich                     perlendschungel
Sandi Volpe                          Sandi Volpe
Sandra McGriff                    Creative Chaos
Sarah Goode                         Pookledo
Sarah Singer                         String a Song of Sixpence
Serena Trent                         All Things Made Jewelry
Shai Williams                       Shaiha's Ramblings
Sharon Palac                        Sharon's Jewelry Garden
Sharyl McMillian-Nelson    Sharyl's Jewelry & Reflections
Sheila Davis                         Stone Designs
Shelley Graham Turner        Fabric of My Life
Sherri Stokey                       Knot Just Macrame
Sherry Baun                         Unicorns Jewels
Skylar Bre'z                         Brising Beads
Stephanie Haussler              Pixybug Designs
Tania Spivey                        Moobie Grace Designs
Terri G.                                Blooming Ideas
Terry Carter                         Tapping Flamingo
Terry Matuszyk                    Pink Chapeau Vintage Jewelry
Toltec Jewels                       Jewel School Friends
Tracy Kruse                         Goldkisses Art
Tracy Martin                        Nutkitten's Jewelry
Zia Parks                              Anzi~Panzi's Work Shoppe
Zoe Marcin                          Beads, Tea and Sweets

Monday, January 7, 2013

my intention word for 2013

hello, friends! i'm so excited right now!!! God just told me my word for this year. i've been praying about this for about a month and coming up *blank* and *annoyed at myself.* but God's timing is best, right? so, my word is:


already utterly fitting, right? annoyed at myself? silly, bethiboo!

so the story behind this word came about in a rather round-about fashion, which i'm beginning to think God delights in. he is so *funny!* 

i went to a conference at my church over the new year weekend. it was titled 'let go, let God' and the name alone spoke to me. doesn't that fit with what's going on in my life, friends? and truly, God was speaking directly to my heart that weekend! right off the bat, andrew scarborough, youth pastor at a pentacostal church in melbourne, australia, said when he walked in the church building he had this sudden, intense pain in his right arm, and he wondered if anyone was dealing with that kind of pain. three people raised their hands, and i was one of them! i had just been complaining to my sister about *all* the *pain* i'm struggling with, lately. so everybody prayed for the three of us. so cool! and then after the service i went over to pastor dave for individual prayer for my relationship with my mom. he said a great prayer, and then afterward said he had gotten this picture of *ice melting around my heart.* and when he said, 'melt,' i felt this *deep rightness.* like utter truth was being spoken to me. 

wow. God is so cool.

and then the *next* night, andrew had a word of knowledge for me. he said God was doing a powerful restorative work in me. he said God's light shines from me. he said i was *beautiful.* i shook my head, and he repeated himself until i stopped shaking my head and just sat there, totally and utterly dumbstruck.

he had touched on a deep inner wound. my father never once told me i was pretty. when i asked my mom if i was pretty, she would said i looked cute. not that i *was* cute, (which is a totally stupid word, anyway. *cute.* what does that *mean?*) but that i *looked* cute. like, against all odds, that day my hair was feeling friendly and my clothes were snazzy. um, yeah. so, not pretty. very, very *un*-pretty, in fact. and when i reached puberty my father was sort of dumbstruck. like overnight i had become someone else. maybe i had. but why did he just cut me off cold? anyway. and *no-one* has ever told me i'm beautiful, since. so my assumption has been that i'm ugly. very, very ugly.

when andrew said i was beautiful, it felt as if *God* was saying that to me. my Abba~Father thinks i'm beautiful. wow. maybe nobody else does. but *God* does.

i felt a bit of the ice melt. melt me, Father~God!

melt my resentment. melt my overwhelming fear of failure, of pain, of *everything.* melt my coldness. melt me, Abba. melt all that is dross.

spring up in me living waters. let me overflow. soak me, Father~God. drench me in your love, in your Abiding Presence.

you were born with wings.

because you'd forgotten,

hadn't you?

You were born with potential
You were born with goodness and trust
You were born with ideals and dreams
You were born with greatness
You were born with wings
You are not meant for crawling, so don't.
You have wings
Learn to use them, and fly.
- rumi

and melt. and flow like a living stream. break through like a rushing river. gush like a waterfall released from the winter of your despair.

via flickr
melt me, Father~God. so that i can fly. because God created me with wings. and no one who is locked in winter-ice can fly. and oh, how i want to fly!

loose these ice-bonds wrapped around my heart, Abba. melt me. this is the cry of my heart.