Friday, November 30, 2012

challenge of color!

here we arrive at erin prais-hintz' final challenge for 2012; the challenge of color! thank you so much, erin and brandi hussey. i've long been a fan of brandi's work, and am thrilled to finally be able to use one of her palettes to make a piece of jewelry.

i saw the blog hop last year and decided i would try my best to do it this year, because it looked like so much fun. i actually got to participate in all four of erin's challenges this year. i've so enjoyed them and feel like i pushed some boundaries with my work. :) yay!

so i chose the richat structure.

the richat structure is located in the sahara desert.

the sahara desert

it's a wonderfully mysterious land form; no one really knows how it came to be. there are theories, and i'll share two of them here. first; it's a crater from a meteor. this idea really isn't given any credence by scholars because the structure isn't deeply concave and is missing the kind of rocks and minerals formed when such a high-velocity collision occurs. so, the other supposition that i would like to mention is that it was once a dome, that has slowly eroded in a totally unique fashion.

richat structure

but everyone agrees it's a fascinating land form and requires much more study. i thought one of the coolest stories about the richat structure is that the astronauts can see it from space, and always look for it on missions. they've named it earth's bulls-eye. ;) visit this amusing description from a scientist's point of view of how the structure might have formed and how the structure has been rather sensationalized by some psuedo-scientists.

i chose to focus on the astounding circular aspect of the structure.

i created this spiral focal with heavy gauge copper wire. then i added a few circles on either side to create a framework, to which i added gemstones, in order to reflect the rich geology of the structure. and i went a bit crazy with the wire.

so the colors on my screen are really disappointing me. :( the piece in person is much more like brandi's palette, i swear! ;)

for the back i used simple chain and a cassie donlen toggle.

so here's my dilemma; it doesn't feel quite right to me. but i'm not sure what it needs. more wire? more beads? more *color*?

i'm so glad i was able to participate in all erin's challenges this year. thank you so much, erin and brandi!!! please visit erin's blog for the full list.

Thursday, November 29, 2012


lori anderson of the bead soup party fame is hosting a lovely commemorative blog hop to be revealed mid-january. it's in honor of those people who have touched us deeply, made a difference in our lives. because it's really good to think of the beautiful things that have changed us or helped us along our path. i so often forget gratitude in my life, but i'm trying to be more mindful. today's the last day to sign up, so get to it!

getting my head straight

God's been seriously working on me. and that "other guy" has been seriously messing with me. it's very frustrating.

i can actually see now that there's potential in me, but i have to struggle with myself constantly. death to self, self, self. because i could maybe be a really exceptional person if i wasn't so hung up on *shit*.

i saw this on pinterest and thought it was so appropriate for how i'm feeling these days. (it doesn't have a source--just says uploaded by user, with a watermark, but said watermark is illegible once it's big enough to read. urgh!) He's really working on the trust issue. i just don't trust anybody but my sister. she's the only person who's proved herself trustworthy. both of my parents were seriously abusive towards us. we both have major issues, but becca has been able to work through her stuff better than i have. and becca was the successful, older, talented sister. i was the failure, black sheep, loser sister. *she* never treated me like i was a loser. but my dad did. and my mom just kept worrying and nagging and criticizing. i never felt like i could do things right. and my dad was so unavailable emotionally while i was growing up, i thought there had to be something *wrong* with me. worthless, unimportant, lazy, a constant chore... such was and is the constant mantra in my head.

don't get me wrong. all my shit isn't all their fault. they shaped me, molded me, but becca didn't end up like me, and she was there, too. i participated in my destruction, too. and then there's the depression, adding to the mix.

people who don't suffer from a mental illness tend to not get it. the idea is that it's all in our heads, so we all should just get over it. hmmm. such a destructive attitude. it's really just a disease, like diabetes or cancer. our bodies are going haywire; brain chemistry is off and so the brain can't function properly. i have trouble thinking, forget things, can't *make* myself do something. my dad thought i was just lazy or weak-willed or some other stupid thing that i had *power* over.

so. God has been relentlessly pursuing me this whole time, while i was ignoring him, pretending i could do it on my own. fucking it all up royally. i got involved in an addictive behaviour. this behaviour hurt no one but me. and the people who loved me. and then i got caught. and ended up in jail. it's so very painful to admit it. to admit to anyone how badly i had messed up. after i got out God told me to go to church, the church my sister and her little family were attending. he led me to three people, at different points, who have led me towards freedom from spiritual bondage. i'm attending celebrate recovery, i'm starting a book study that goes deeper than the 12 steps of cr. it goes into *why* we've gotten involved in the addictive behaviour. i'm peeling back layers and layers and finding so much pain. all i was trying to do with the addiction was numb that pain, just for a little bit. but repressing and covering up just leads me deeper into bondage. i don't want to be that person anymore. i don't want to be the fuckup, the loser, the shame of the family.

God has a plan. he's leading me towards something. i think it's a life of service. i *live* to help people, to talk to people. i get out of myself, which is the best thing for me to do. i don't know how i'll serve, now that i have a record. but God has a plan to prosper me and those around me. for the first time in i don't know how long i have hope that i can change. or rather that God can change me, now that i'm letting him.

blow through me, God, like a fresh wind. clear out the putrid refuse of my ugliness, my chronic, my pain, my shame. clean me white as glistening snow. let your light shine through me. i want your incandescence to fill me, overflow me, swamp me.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

gleeking out

so i've been catching a few episodes of glee from the start. loved it, wanted to see more. but, see, we don't really watch tv in my house.

we have a nine year old and a seven year old who have insatiable, extraordinarily active imaginations. these are the girls who still question the motives of the toilet; will it eat me or won't it?

monsters? check. fairies? qualified check ~ older no longer believes. so sad. ghosts? check. pictures coming to life? triple check!!! appliances alive? why, yes! also alive are the stuffies, toys, furniture, and the bottle cap we found on the playground.

and the shows we want to watch just aren't appropriate for them, you know? shows like grimm.  and bones. and criminal minds. and supernatural. you see where this is going? no where good for sensitive little minds.


we *finally* started glee a few months ago. and.....

it. is. totally. brilliant.

i'm an artist; i always took art classes. i was in choir. i was a theatre major for four years. i'm like, 'these are my people!' just in more fashionable clothes.

my favorite? kurt. hands down, the heart of the show. the unsung hero? burt. kurt's dad and possibly every gay guy's dream of what they wish their dad was like.

but really i love all of them. i can't wait to hear what brittany will say next. and wait with baited breath for her to unleash her fierce moves. dance, sister! i want to slap santana silly and hug her to death. artie teaches me so much about handicapable difficulties, and boy can that boy dance. remember the mj dance video he and mike did? he's totally hot! which brings me to mike. love his struggles with the expectations placed on so many asian-american kids. tina? she finally came into focus for me when she got with mike; she's *heart.* not many people like that, just loving on everybody. blaine ~ i'm still figuring him out. heartthrob. devoted. a romantic. and he *sees* kurt. oh, how i loved when kurt sang 'blackbird' and we watched blaine fall in love him! beautiful. puck. rebel with the heart of gold and a james dean way about him. quinn. i'm not sure she knew herself until she got into yale, and then... what happens? we just watched the 'rachel and finn at the justice of the peace' episode. does she *die?* omg. rachel. seriously want to shake her, scream at her, 'the world does not revolve around you!' but her dad's *taught* her that she was, so i still get where she's coming from. finn? he's just the boy next door. will is what every teacher should be. emma is so freaking adorable i just want to hug her and tell her not to be so hard on herself. back away from the toothbrush, sweetie! and sue just needs some serious therapy/intervention.

and they just totally go for the hard stuff in the storylines. teen pregnancy, bullying, suicide, texting while driving, cyber bullying, fairness in the world (really, the lack thereof), and just so many things that our kids today deal with. it's a totally new world in those halls, and they reveal it so sensitively.

and the *music,* gosh dang it! i was a fame-watcher of yore. yes. i admit it. i'm as old as dust. i *loved* footloose. no, the first one. the mash-ups! the theme episodes! oh, so yummy. keep the music *playing!* i. am. so. with. you.

however, i'm noticing some character inconsistencies in season 3. darn it, she wouldn't have done that, i say to the non-communicative tv. i don't believe that character would say that, or do that. which is annoying, because they spent two years creating these beautiful people. different writers? same producers, i know. not sure why they're doing it. plot twists? trying to keep it interesting? the old conflicts not working? (thank you for explaining why sue is such a freak, btw, glee-writers)

what's the deal people? why you makin' me angry? here's to hoping it will return to it's former greatness.

and now, to leave you with a song. (if i can figure out how to embed ~ fingers crossed!)

glee-i feel pretty/unpretty from youtube

omg! i did it! YAY!!!

i still struggle with this one, like pretty much every other female in america. do you ever outgrow this feeling? like there's no way i'll ever be pretty enough.

so. love the show, even with the character weirdnesses. i don't think that's a word. anyway. keep it coming, glee-people! i love you!!!!

because i'm a loser, too.

Friday, November 16, 2012

your love

i am utterly bamboozled by God's love for me. i can't fathom why *God,* the epitomy of all that is good and right and worthwhile in this world, would want to love *me,* sad, bedraggled, broke-ass me.

it. makes. no. sense.


and maybe that's the point?

we, who are so broken, desperately cry out for *more!* more of... something. i've continually looked in all the wrong places, even though i've already got the answer! God is the answer to the question, bethiboo! quit looking! you've already got it!

but the answer was too easy. something in me (the dark lord, himself, more than likely) told me it couldn't possibly be that simple. that *simplistic*.

the longer i go along this journey, the more i'm realizing that God's plan for humanity is anything but simplistic. simple, yes; He is the answer to all our problems. His plan is perfect; rely on Him through all life's struggles and He will always, always be there.

but i just don't do it! and why the bloody hell NOT?!?! because when i do: oh, sweet friend, how He showers me with gifts!

just last night, for example. i didn't want to go to the first meeting of something that God has been preparing me for. there's almost no gas in the car, and i needed what gas was in there to get me to my bazaar tonight. hopefully that will supply me with a bit more gas. so i called the leader of the group to ask if anyone lived in my area that was going to the meeting. no one. so i told her i couldn't make it that night, that God really wanted me to do this, but my job was more important at this point. she offered to loan me ten dollars for gas. um, wow. a complete stranger? just wow. so okay, God, i guess i'll go. and then on the way home, i thought i'd go to my usual gas station, but God told me to go to the icky one right by my neighborhood. my neighborhood isn't icky, so i'm not entirely sure why the station next to it has to be icky. *anyway.* i also had just enough money already in my purse for my friday diet coke, so i thought i'd go ahead and get it. so at the counter i plunked down the crisp ten and started dumping all my change, (the money for the soda was from the change jar) going so far as to chase out every last penny. and then i went to fill up the car. it flew past ten dollars and i flipped. how was i going to pay for it?!? ran in. he says i didn't go over, there was $10.92 on my bill. 'but my soda...,' i say. he goes, 'there's $10.92 on your gas.'

and the fog clears. ohhh.

i filled the car in a daze. got in. drove off.

he gave me a free soda! he gave me more gas than i had originally planned!!!

God! why? why *me?!?*

how can *He* possibly love *me?!?*

and then this song came on the radio. what God was trying to tell me.

Your Love
Brandon Heath

I felt it first when I was younger
A strange connection to the light
I tried to satisfy the hunger
I never got it right
I never got it right

So I climbed a mountain and l built an altar
Looked out as far as I could see
And everyday I’m getting older
I’m running outta dreams
I’m running outta dreams

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost
Not everything is lost nooooo

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
Find More lyrics at
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You’re the hope in the morning
You’re the light when the night is falling
You’re the song when my heart is singing
it’s Your love
You’re the eyes to the blind man
You’re the feet to the lame man walking
You’re the sound of the people singing
It’s Your love

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

But Your love
(Your love is all that I needed)
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
(Your love is all that I needed)
It’s Your love
Your love
It’s all I ever needed

so i don't understand it. maybe i never will. i guess i don't have to understand it. but i have to accept it. that's my job. the job that God has given to me for this time in my life. accept His love; every minute, every hour, every day, every year. for the rest of my life. that's my job.

God, i accept your love. it's beyond me, it overwhelms me, it envelops me. may it light up my darkness, and reach beyond me, and light up the darkness around me. i offer my love to you, Abba, it's all i have to give.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

looking up

so last friday i finally had my monthly visit with my head doctor. she was a bit alarmed that i was thinking so fixedly on the ultimate escape plan, so she put me on a new med. the very next morning, i was like, 'huh, i should have called the doctor like, a month ago.' and then i was like, 'um, yes, and now that you admit that you were being scary there for a bit, and can actually *see* a possible solution to the problem, then maybe you're feeling better?'

ah, yes.

in fact, i feel rather hopeful. rather stubbornly optimistic.


onward and upward.

there are an awful lot of problems in my life, but in the last few days (since sunday) i've removed myself from some negative situations, sent some messages that were long overdue, made some headway into actually making some jewelry again, opened some mail that was hanging over my head (and they turned out not to be that bad!)... you know, made some actual progress.

so, just wanted to let you guys know i'm feeling better. thanks so much for your concern. <3 p="p">

Thursday, November 1, 2012

i am so incredibly, totally lame

i haven't shown my face much around here because my life seems to have totally exploded lately. one of the symptoms of my chronic depression is the inability to deal with problems. i don't know how to see an out. so when a situation arises that i can't figure out, i go to ground. run. escape. and people just end up hating me, which adds to my depression, cause what's more horrible for a freaky depressed person than people hating you?!? and there are so many situations right now that are out of control in my life. forest fire size problems. and i don't know if trying to tread water right now is even worth it. i just want to sleep and never wake up. because i don't know how to fix any of it. and i don't think i can deal with the consequences.