getting my head straight

God's been seriously working on me. and that "other guy" has been seriously messing with me. it's very frustrating.

i can actually see now that there's potential in me, but i have to struggle with myself constantly. death to self, self, self. because i could maybe be a really exceptional person if i wasn't so hung up on *shit*.

i saw this on pinterest and thought it was so appropriate for how i'm feeling these days. (it doesn't have a source--just says uploaded by user, with a watermark, but said watermark is illegible once it's big enough to read. urgh!) He's really working on the trust issue. i just don't trust anybody but my sister. she's the only person who's proved herself trustworthy. both of my parents were seriously abusive towards us. we both have major issues, but becca has been able to work through her stuff better than i have. and becca was the successful, older, talented sister. i was the failure, black sheep, loser sister. *she* never treated me like i was a loser. but my dad did. and my mom just kept worrying and nagging and criticizing. i never felt like i could do things right. and my dad was so unavailable emotionally while i was growing up, i thought there had to be something *wrong* with me. worthless, unimportant, lazy, a constant chore... such was and is the constant mantra in my head.

don't get me wrong. all my shit isn't all their fault. they shaped me, molded me, but becca didn't end up like me, and she was there, too. i participated in my destruction, too. and then there's the depression, adding to the mix.

people who don't suffer from a mental illness tend to not get it. the idea is that it's all in our heads, so we all should just get over it. hmmm. such a destructive attitude. it's really just a disease, like diabetes or cancer. our bodies are going haywire; brain chemistry is off and so the brain can't function properly. i have trouble thinking, forget things, can't *make* myself do something. my dad thought i was just lazy or weak-willed or some other stupid thing that i had *power* over.

so. God has been relentlessly pursuing me this whole time, while i was ignoring him, pretending i could do it on my own. fucking it all up royally. i got involved in an addictive behaviour. this behaviour hurt no one but me. and the people who loved me. and then i got caught. and ended up in jail. it's so very painful to admit it. to admit to anyone how badly i had messed up. after i got out God told me to go to church, the church my sister and her little family were attending. he led me to three people, at different points, who have led me towards freedom from spiritual bondage. i'm attending celebrate recovery, i'm starting a book study that goes deeper than the 12 steps of cr. it goes into *why* we've gotten involved in the addictive behaviour. i'm peeling back layers and layers and finding so much pain. all i was trying to do with the addiction was numb that pain, just for a little bit. but repressing and covering up just leads me deeper into bondage. i don't want to be that person anymore. i don't want to be the fuckup, the loser, the shame of the family.

God has a plan. he's leading me towards something. i think it's a life of service. i *live* to help people, to talk to people. i get out of myself, which is the best thing for me to do. i don't know how i'll serve, now that i have a record. but God has a plan to prosper me and those around me. for the first time in i don't know how long i have hope that i can change. or rather that God can change me, now that i'm letting him.

blow through me, God, like a fresh wind. clear out the putrid refuse of my ugliness, my chronic, my pain, my shame. clean me white as glistening snow. let your light shine through me. i want your incandescence to fill me, overflow me, swamp me.