already utterly fitting, right? annoyed at myself? silly, bethiboo!
so the story behind this word came about in a rather round-about fashion, which i'm beginning to think God delights in. he is so *funny!*
i went to a conference at my church over the new year weekend. it was titled 'let go, let God' and the name alone spoke to me. doesn't that fit with what's going on in my life, friends? and truly, God was speaking directly to my heart that weekend! right off the bat, andrew scarborough, youth pastor at a pentacostal church in melbourne, australia, said when he walked in the church building he had this sudden, intense pain in his right arm, and he wondered if anyone was dealing with that kind of pain. three people raised their hands, and i was one of them! i had just been complaining to my sister about *all* the *pain* i'm struggling with, lately. so everybody prayed for the three of us. so cool! and then after the service i went over to pastor dave for individual prayer for my relationship with my mom. he said a great prayer, and then afterward said he had gotten this picture of *ice melting around my heart.* and when he said, 'melt,' i felt this *deep rightness.* like utter truth was being spoken to me.
wow. God is so cool.
and then the *next* night, andrew had a word of knowledge for me. he said God was doing a powerful restorative work in me. he said God's light shines from me. he said i was *beautiful.* i shook my head, and he repeated himself until i stopped shaking my head and just sat there, totally and utterly dumbstruck.
he had touched on a deep inner wound. my father never once told me i was pretty. when i asked my mom if i was pretty, she would said i looked cute. not that i *was* cute, (which is a totally stupid word, anyway. *cute.* what does that *mean?*) but that i *looked* cute. like, against all odds, that day my hair was feeling friendly and my clothes were snazzy. um, yeah. so, not pretty. very, very *un*-pretty, in fact. and when i reached puberty my father was sort of dumbstruck. like overnight i had become someone else. maybe i had. but why did he just cut me off cold? anyway. and *no-one* has ever told me i'm beautiful, since. so my assumption has been that i'm ugly. very, very ugly.
when andrew said i was beautiful, it felt as if *God* was saying that to me. my Abba~Father thinks i'm beautiful. wow. maybe nobody else does. but *God* does.
i felt a bit of the ice melt. melt me, Father~God!
melt my resentment. melt my overwhelming fear of failure, of pain, of *everything.* melt my coldness. melt me, Abba. melt all that is dross.
spring up in me living waters. let me overflow. soak me, Father~God. drench me in your love, in your Abiding Presence.
you were born with wings.
because you'd forgotten,
You were born with potential
You were born with goodness and trust
You were born with ideals and dreams
You were born with greatness
You were born with wings
You are not meant for crawling, so don't.
You have wings
Learn to use them, and fly.
and melt. and flow like a living stream. break through like a rushing river. gush like a waterfall released from the winter of your despair.
melt me, Father~God. so that i can fly. because God created me with wings. and no one who is locked in winter-ice can fly. and oh, how i want to fly!
loose these ice-bonds wrapped around my heart, Abba. melt me. this is the cry of my heart.