oooops

i just got back from the hospital.

i tried to kill myself. overdosed. 20 seroquel.

i wrote a poem about it and i'll share that. but other than that i'm not sure what to say. even though they say i've got a lot to say. hmmmm....

remembering

i remember bursts of noise,

skipping scenes of questions, "beth,

beth, what's this? what's that?"

i remember pain and

chaos.

i don't remember how bad

it was. how dangerous it got.

i don't remember them taking

my clothes. of moving from

ambulance to er, from er to

icu.

i don't want to remember why. or

how.

i remember taking the

pills. i remember that. but

i don't remember the

point. the reason escapes

me.

i don't remember why i

called the ambulance. why i

didn't just go blinking

into the dark. the in-

between.

i remember the big

reasons. the shame. the

guilt. but not the little

ones.

how did i let it go

so far?

i don't remember why

i didn't wake my family.

why didn't i call them

instead of emergency?

how close did i come?

how far did i go? how

close. how far. how timid

i am. how tired i am.

i don't remember waking.

i don't remember sleeping.

i don't remember anything.