two untitled poems

i stumble in the morning, trying
to find a way towards where i need
to go. i am so clumsy with myself
and with you, allowing things to seperate
us, an ice flow in the bering sea, you
on one berg and me on another. i get
so careless with my fears, allow them
to feed on me like carnivorous gnats.
i let life happen to me, tripping
blindly at each new catastrophe, powerless.
you float farther away. i feel so cold.




something holds me away from
myself. i think it is possibly
the fear of self-realization. if i were
to get too close, i would see how
meaningless this all is. i'm feeling
broken. i'm thinking, i don't know how to fix
me. i'm wondering if i can be saved.
too far gone, maybe, like soured milk or rotten
eggs. just throw me out, unused and wasted.

oh, my

a week ago i got in my little head that i wanted to read odd thomas by dean koontz. no one had told me i needed to read it. it was just this sudden *need*. i couldn't go to the library, 'cause i had an overdue book that i couldn't find, so i went in search of it at the stores. finally found it at barnes and noble. read it. loved it. have strangely avoided dean koontz. don't know why. just wasn't interested. so i read the second one, forever odd, which becca got for christmas. loved it, too. when i finally found that missing library book, i ran to the library and checked out more books by him. oh, my. have i become a dean koontz fan? how embarrassing.

winter

winter

yesterday was desperation.
flicker close, quicken me.
break my soul, touch my
false belief.
remember sorrow.
tear past this fake
emotion. compel me to
feel, to fight, to win.
destroy this winter.

dad

i did this painting in the months before my dad's death. i wanted to capture the gauntness of his hand, the swollen joints. the feeling of passing.

speaking in tongues

speaking in tongues

my mouth
says things i don't
intend to say. it's
an artesian well, springing
forth with pressure from
some unknown
source. stop
this clumsy
tongue. save stupidity
for another day.

...and a side of pharmeceuticals

the reason i like this painting is because each little pill is so painstakingly rendered. i used pills from our collection; this was done when dad was still alive, so i used mom's, dad's, and my pills as models. dad took an amazing amount of meds. they are what kept him alive, but in the end, they're what killed him; medication taken for one thing made his kidneys fail and he ultimately died of kidney failure.

stages

stages

can i believe your skin as you
kiss, price of smooth perfection.
excessive love moving me. desire

like death, dying. you're too far from me. endless.
your love like branches of a shifting
wind destroys the hot surface. essence.
pillow of sky

concealing dark rules. indifferent
your due, marking me. rusting
dreams. broken kiss forgotten.
pale emotion leaves you bare. alone.
i've already left. maybe i didn't believe enough.