year in review~2012

this past year i started the new tradition of choosing a word to focus on, to think about, to guide my way, and to illuminate my path. i chose 'transform.' here is a bit of what i posted on my sister's and my business blog, two sisters beading:

trans·form

   

verb (used with object)

1.

to change in form, appearance, or structure; metamorphose.

2.

to change in condition, nature, or character; convert.

3.

to change into another substance; transmute.

4.

Synonyms:

alter, commute, convert, cook, denature, doctor, make over,metamorphose, mold, mutate, reconstruct, remodel, renew, revamp,revolutionize, shift gears, sing different tune, switch, switch over,transfer, transfigure, translate, transmogrify, transmute, transpose, turnaround, turn over new leaf, turn the corner, turn the tables

the words i'm most interested in are renew, transfigure, and to turn over a new leaf. to change in character. to metamorphosize. exciting! and i've begun this year with a redo of my room. it is the basement of my mother's house, so i have the whole floor. i'm going to clean it up and turn half of it into a studio for my beading, polymer clay, and metalsmithing. i'm soooo excited! it's a lot of work. i'm a bit of a hoarder and i've basically just let it go, but i really want this, so i'm totally dedicated to it.  wish me luck!

i just have to say it; oh. my. god. OH. MY. GOD. i asked for all of this!!!

2012 has been *the* most transformative year of my entire life. i began this year in bondage to my addiction. in bondage to my pain. in bondage to my *denial.* but God washed the scales from my eyes. he awoke me from my long hibernation. he *freed* me from my cavern of despair. 

I AM AWAKE!!! 

and i have been asleep for so very long. two days ago i found my last journal. i read through it yesterday; it was so amazing! i started it the month before deborah was born~the end of april, 2003. i goes through my stay in seattle with becca and jake in great detail. then it becomes quite infrequent. i don't even mention dad's death. i tell about damon dropping me as a friend, and when valette moved away. all of which happened about the same time. i mention just a tiny bit of my suicide attempt. and a bit on the chronicle of my cutting. and then i'm just silent. it's rather frightening; that decline. and all that bad stuff happened right around dad dying. 

i realized i've been asleep since dad died. i don't think i ever dealt with his death. with the death of my friendship with damon, dana, bridger, and valette. 

'...at that time my heart was all broke, 

i looked like ashes and i smelled like smoke, 

and i turned away from my loving kind, 

try to leave my body and live in my mind, 

but it's much too much emotion, 

to hold it in your hand...' james taylor song~line 'em up. love james taylor!

i'm awake. i'm awake!

a year ago i weighed 285lbs. now i'm 200lbs. i still have a ways to go (i want to get to 160) but i realized the other day that i've lost a child's worth of weight! deborah weighs 79lbs~she's nine. so i've been carrying around deborah since 2004! no wonder my knees have been killing me!

last week i called three shops around town to see if they'd be interested in carrying our jewelry! i've been meaning to do that for *years.* and then i met with the ladies at expressions in glass and we have about 15 pieces in their shop!!! the other two shops would like to see proposals!!! so exciting!!! yesterday becca and i stopped at the alaska rag company, where we've had our stuff for a couple of years, and picked up all the unsold stock. we went through it all at home and becca took apart all her wire necklaces that were there. she's scrapping most of them, but will rebuild two of them. and i'm going to take apart most of everything, and re-card a few things. so all of that felt really, really good. proactive! powerful! effective!

christine mason miller

and two weeks ago i called my massage therapist--kerry platzky from blue stone massage and am trading with her to get two massages!!! and *then* i called my chiropractor and am trading with *him* to get *four* adjustments!!! 

o. m. g.

i *can* accomplish things!!! i *can* change things. i am *capable.* i am *powerful.* i am *effective.*

through God i can accomplish all things. because God is alive and active in me. !!! 

this year i have revolutionized my relationship with God. i am beginning to believe God; that he is who is says he is, that he *loves* me. that i am actually a person who is worthy of love! whoa! even typing that i was resisting it. {grin} i wanted to type 'a person who *might* be worthy of love.' ah, so hard to think i'm lovable! inside i'm just that little girl who kept getting told by my father to get out of the way of the tv because he couldn't see his game. owie. to this day i hate sports with a passion. they make me feel inept and unloved and worthless. but it wasn't the sports. it wasn't *me!* it was my dad.

God, i forgive my dad for not being who i needed him to be. i forgive my dad for being human. for being *broken.*

Abba, i forgive *myself.* i forgive myself for making so many mistakes. for being human. for being broken. thank you for leading me to this place of brokeness so that i can finally see myself clearly. so that i can finally see *you* more clearly. wash the scales from my eyes, Father~God! continue to fear me from bondage as i seek your will in my life. lead me on the path everlasting.

Isaiah 61:1-7

61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

merry christmas!

merry, merry christmas, my beloved friends!

i am up earlier than everyone, sitting at the table, reading my bible study, and poking about on the interwebs. ;) i hope you all are having a marvelous holiday celebration!!!

i just have to say that this has been a roller-coaster of a year. my lovelies, i couldn't have done it without you!!! each and every one of you, whether you commented or not, have meant so much to me. the friends i have, the friends i'm getting to know, and the friends i have to meet; God bless you! you mean the world to me. <3 p="p">

sorrow

i am just so broken for our world today. there is so much sadness. so much *sorrow.* oh, how our world groans for the Lord! and of, course, everyone wants to know *why.*

why, if our God is so good, *why* does he allow these awful things to happen? why is there evil? why is there pain? why do good people suffer?

suffering

my dear friends, it pains me to say this. but i believe there is no complete, infallible answer. God is a god of great mystery. his ways are higher than our ways. and he has revealed only as much of himself as we can handle. *my* relationship with God is not the same relationship as yours, because you are a different person on a different path. but i would like to share my own musings on this subject.

i truly struggled with the question of evil and suffering. before i ever admitted to myself that i was suffering from abuse, i saw deep horror all around me. in elementary school, i was friends with a brother and sister who were being abused by their alcoholic father. in kotzebue, i witnessed the destruction of our native alaskans' culture through the white americanization of this people group. my best friend in high school was molested by her father for many years, and when she finally told her mother, her mother blamed her. her mother was highly respected in our church, and when my friend tried to kill herself, and was sent to a live-in treatment center, everyone in the church rallied around her mother. my friend was blamed by the church. i saw true suffering in her eyes.

my father served in the second world war; i was a later child for him~mom was twenty years younger than he was. so i grew up with someone who had been alive during the depression. someone who was a buddy to the guys who witnessed the holocaust camps. i think hitler was one of the those people who give us a glimpse of who satan truly is.

because, my friends, satan is the source of all evil and suffering. he wanted to be God, too. he wanted all that God had. he fell from grace, and God sent satan from his presence. so a creature who had been created to spend time with God for all eternity was sent away, never to be with God again. an already warped soul became utterly twisted. his purpose was gone, and he became utterly despicable. he has to destroy everything, because he is utterly destroyed. he sees people; people who were created in the image of God, who are destined to spend eternity with God. he sees what, he feels, was taken from him. and he is utterly enraged. he wants us to suffer like he suffers. he wants to take all that is good and right and twist it so we can't live the lives that God intended for us to live.

because, dear ones, God intended us to live lives of joy, in complete harmony with him! do not succumb to the lie that God doesn't care about us! he created us because he wants to spend eternity with us! he utterly adores us! he sent his son to die for us. he sacrificed his son for our souls, so that we wouldn't be seperated from him.

the real reason, to me, for evil and suffering is that God *loves us.* and he wants us to experience that love. so he gave us free will. he gave all of creation free will. because if he didn't give us free will, we'd just be robots. and he wants us to live richly! we couldn't live richly without free will. he loves us too much to make us into robots. so he gave each of us a choice. he gave us minds to reason with. he created the angels with free will. and satan turned from God, tried to make himself a god. and his fall from grace brought evil into the world. and then adam and eve chose to disobey God by listening to satan. God knew they would. he wanted us so much that he still created us, even knowing we would choose to turn from him.

broken dna

satan warps this world, corrupts it, twists it. the further we get from eden and our creation, the further corrupted our world becomes. our very bodies are twisting. our immune systems are failing. our very cells are in rebellion. of course there is evil in this world! satan twists this world to his will, because he is furious. he knows when Jesus returns, his time will be over. he wants us to suffer. i actually wonder why we don't have shootings every day.

you know why we *don't* live in utter chaos? because God is *LOVE.* all that is good, all that is pure, all that is holy; that is God. you see the joy of a little baby? that is God. you see the utter devotion in a wonderful couple's eyes when they look at each other? that is but a shadow of God's love for us. he is in the majestic mountains, the roar of the pacific ocean, the infinite vastness of space. he is in an artist's rendition of the beauty around them. he is in the kindness of a stranger holding the door for a mom with her hands full of baby and groceries. he is in the utter sweetness of a ripe strawberry plucked from the wild. he is in the taste of an ice-cold mountain stream.

perseiad meteor shower

he. is. love.

there are truly not words to describe the glory of our God.

he wants so much to spend time with you. do not let this horror of satan's evil to turn you from the truth of God's love for you. seek him. seek his face.

there have been many people with much more learning than me that have delved into this question. i recommend c.s. lewis, for one. he has two treaties on evil and suffering: 'the problem of pain' and 'a grief observed.' 'the problem of pain' he wrote earlier in his life, based on a lot of research. 'a grief observed' he wrote later in life while he watched his dear wife suffer a grave illness, and eventually die. i urge you to read these books if you are struggling with this issue right now. c.s. lewis was an utterly brilliant man. God truly blessed him and spoke truth through him. i also recommend phillip yancey's 'where is God when it hurts?' i urge you to check out some bible websites. type in 'suffering' and see what God says about it. maybe check out job or lamentations. pray. God will reveal himself to you if you truly seek him.

satan seeks to devour, but what he means for destruction, God turns to the good. God is the ultimate salvage artist; what was broken and tossed aside he turns into beauty. from ashes to beauty. from mourning to gladness. take your sorrow and brokenness to God. he wants so much to just hold us! he wants us to turn to him, to cast all our cares upon him. pour your anger on him! he can take it. for he can take even this tragedy and bring us closer to him.

i love you so much, my friends. peace be with you. may we seek God's face and be ever drawn to his glory.

mnemosyne

have i introduced you guys to nene? (pronounced nee-nee) no? well, here she is, in all her nerve-wracked glory.

blair witch, anyone? anyone?

my teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy, most scared-ed of scared kitties weighs in at six pounds. not even a big bag of sugar.

and, oh. my. good. golly. the world is a terrifying, horror filled place! people! other kitties! chairs! and all the bloody *noises!* like sneezing, for instance. so unexpected! so noisy! so sinister!

the real problem is that she's half blind. so all the moving about is *horrible.* and sometimes other people sit where she expects *me* to be sitting. so she jumps on these people's laps.

argh!!!

the horror!!!

it's just that the world (our house--she doesn't go outside) is so big and she is so small!

but i *utterly* *adore* her. she follows me around. she sleeps on me at night. she chirrups in the most beguiling manner. we have long conversations, her always answering with such devotion.

yes. i'm completely and utterly besotted with her. so tiny! so beautiful! so affectionate with me! if only she was affectionate with everyone in the family, then she would be so happy.

her full name is mnemosyne (pronounced nee-moss-y-nee). the original mnemosyne is the the greek goddess of memory, one of the titans. i named her after the two kitties becca and i lost just before i adopted nene. their name's were cassandra and baby. and also for my first kitty; midnight. midnight was also black, and died of feline leukemia when she was two and i was in fifth grade. so incredibly horrible. midnight's sister tiger belonged to becca. tiger was the perfect kitty. i still miss her.

so maybe nene is named for all our kitties; tiger, midnight, sox, persephone, cassandra, baby, and pandora. i will see all of them again in heaven one day. oh, glorious day!

a life lived in defeat

i had an epiphany tonight.

i've been living my life with an attitude of defeat. as if i've already lost.

via pinterest

both my parents lived lives of total defeat. i just emulated their belief that no matter how hard i try, i will always fail. i've been sucked under by this lie. i've lost *years.* i've lost my reputation. i've lost countless little things i never was even aware of *having,* much less losing. oh, the shame in my heart!

i have managed to defeat every long-term goal i've ever had. i didn't even finish my public schooling! i got so horribly depressed, stopped going to classes, stopped doing anything but sleeping. and my mom didn't know what to do with me; she just knew i couldn't keep on like that, so she said i could drop out. the school counselor stamped the paperwork and didn't suggest either of the two alternative schools in town or the homeschooling option. i slipped through the cracks. but i *did* get my ged, right away. i applied to the state university in town, got accepted, and started that fall. i switched my major four times. got depressed. stopped going. applied to an art school, got a scholarship, made it to memphis, and cried for a week. went home. went to massage training. dropped out half way through. spent three (?) years just trying to get through breathing. went back to college. quit when i got a metalsmithing job. quit *that* after a year, because i got so sick, because i was so depressed...

nothing. i've accomplished nothing worthwhile. nothing of lasting value. nothing substantial to hold up to society and say, 'see, i'm not a loser.'

i desperately want to wash myself clean of this attitude of defeat.

all my life my father called me lazy. my mom sang me a song in the morning when i was tiny; 'lazy bones, sleeping in the shade, never get your days work do-o-one.' seriously? i was freaking *little!* and i'm already lazy?!? because i didn't get up at six? she thought it was cute, but i really, really, really didn't. not even when i was little. i felt guilty for sleeping! when i wasn't old enough to go to school!

child labor

i think i haven't accomplished anything because *they* never accomplished anything that was too hard. dad was on his third marriage when i came along. had three other kids he never saw, because his ex-wives hated him so much. and mom never thought she'd get married in the first place because she was fat and not very pretty. did she think if she left him she would just be a failure and never get another husband?

God called us to live our lives in victory, because He's already won. i see other people living it, and boy do i want it. how does one forgive themselves for always, always giving up when it gets hard? how does one *change* their attitude? how does one become unafraid of the pain of what i've always thought was inevitable failure?

via pinterest

i'm working on it. i'm really, really desperately working on it. and i'm praying for a change. i know, i really truly know now that God adores me, wants to spend time with me. He thinks i'm cool(!), which is astounding to me. *i* don't think i'm cool, so why does *He* think i am?!? pain, self-hate, abuse; so many layers to peel through. i've started. let's get peeling.