i had an epiphany tonight.
i've been living my life with an attitude of defeat. as if i've already lost.
i have managed to defeat every long-term goal i've ever had. i didn't even finish my public schooling! i got so horribly depressed, stopped going to classes, stopped doing anything but sleeping. and my mom didn't know what to do with me; she just knew i couldn't keep on like that, so she said i could drop out. the school counselor stamped the paperwork and didn't suggest either of the two alternative schools in town or the homeschooling option. i slipped through the cracks. but i *did* get my ged, right away. i applied to the state university in town, got accepted, and started that fall. i switched my major four times. got depressed. stopped going. applied to an art school, got a scholarship, made it to memphis, and cried for a week. went home. went to massage training. dropped out half way through. spent three (?) years just trying to get through breathing. went back to college. quit when i got a metalsmithing job. quit *that* after a year, because i got so sick, because i was so depressed...
nothing. i've accomplished nothing worthwhile. nothing of lasting value. nothing substantial to hold up to society and say, 'see, i'm not a loser.'
i desperately want to wash myself clean of this attitude of defeat.
all my life my father called me lazy. my mom sang me a song in the morning when i was tiny; 'lazy bones, sleeping in the shade, never get your days work do-o-one.' seriously? i was freaking *little!* and i'm already lazy?!? because i didn't get up at six? she thought it was cute, but i really, really, really didn't. not even when i was little. i felt guilty for sleeping! when i wasn't old enough to go to school!
i think i haven't accomplished anything because *they* never accomplished anything that was too hard. dad was on his third marriage when i came along. had three other kids he never saw, because his ex-wives hated him so much. and mom never thought she'd get married in the first place because she was fat and not very pretty. did she think if she left him she would just be a failure and never get another husband?
God called us to live our lives in victory, because He's already won. i see other people living it, and boy do i want it. how does one forgive themselves for always, always giving up when it gets hard? how does one *change* their attitude? how does one become unafraid of the pain of what i've always thought was inevitable failure?
i'm working on it. i'm really, really desperately working on it. and i'm praying for a change. i know, i really truly know now that God adores me, wants to spend time with me. He thinks i'm cool(!), which is astounding to me. *i* don't think i'm cool, so why does *He* think i am?!? pain, self-hate, abuse; so many layers to peel through. i've started. let's get peeling.