a confession

i have a confession to make. it's a big one. and a hard one.

i suffer from depression. this is no little pat-you-on-the-head-and-it's-all-better depression. this is the big gaping maw of darkness kind of depression. i have trouble doing things, normal things, like getting up, eating, taking a shower. i've been in the psych ward three times, the last time after an overdose when i tried to kill myself. this is the kind of depression that interferes every day with my life. i look at my beads and they are calling me with the sweetest voice but the darkness says no, not today. too much to handle. i'm on medication for my depression; cymbalta and geodon. monday when i visited my psychiatrist for a regular check-in, he told me my official diagnosis. schizo-affective disorder. whoa. i looked it up on the internet. it's a depression that is major that is in conjuction with psychotic symptoms. i hear voices, see. not the 'kill them' voices, but an annoying buzzing like an out of tune radio. sometimes it sounds like a voice i can't quite understand and sometimes it sounds like music, sometimes country, sometimes rock. always bloody annoying. when i take my meds i don't hear the voices as much. a fan in the room really helps. the one voice that i can understand happens only when i'm in an empty room, and i hear my name. this terrifies me beyond all measure. it happens very rarely. generally a high amount of stress brings it on.

saying all this, and if i haven't frightened you away, i also want to say that i am so much better than i used to be. before i was on my meds, my depression was augmented with an extreme level of paranoia. i thought everybody hated me. little interactions with people left me spinning for days, thinking they had thought i was stupid and ugly and basically a waste of space. i got fat to protect myself from them. then i got help and i slowly learned that *nobody is thinking about me*. ! everyone is totally concerned with themselves. and if they do happen to notice you, it's generally thoughts like, "cute shirt," or "wow, that's great hair," or "oh, no, she shouldn't have worn that." not things like, "that is the stupidest girl on the planet," or "what a waste of space." i'm sure there are exceptions to that rule, as there are always exceptions, but people who think that kind of stuff about other people are generally the unhappiest people.

i'm now the kind of person that notices the beauty is something, the good qualities in people, the happy moments in my day. i have an amazing family that loves me even though i still have trouble every day. i have friends who love me, who i look forward to seeing and spending time with. and i have you, my lovely readers, who spur me on to keep writing and keep on making beautiful jewelry. i am very blessed. and if my days are harder than the average person's, well that's okay, too. because with this constant pain i also have received immeasurable gifts; the gifts of compassion, empathy, intelligence, loyalty, and dare i say, even a small dose of talent.