two untitled poems

i stumble in the morning, trying
to find a way towards where i need
to go. i am so clumsy with myself
and with you, allowing things to seperate
us, an ice flow in the bering sea, you
on one berg and me on another. i get
so careless with my fears, allow them
to feed on me like carnivorous gnats.
i let life happen to me, tripping
blindly at each new catastrophe, powerless.
you float farther away. i feel so cold.




something holds me away from
myself. i think it is possibly
the fear of self-realization. if i were
to get too close, i would see how
meaningless this all is. i'm feeling
broken. i'm thinking, i don't know how to fix
me. i'm wondering if i can be saved.
too far gone, maybe, like soured milk or rotten
eggs. just throw me out, unused and wasted.

oh, my

a week ago i got in my little head that i wanted to read odd thomas by dean koontz. no one had told me i needed to read it. it was just this sudden *need*. i couldn't go to the library, 'cause i had an overdue book that i couldn't find, so i went in search of it at the stores. finally found it at barnes and noble. read it. loved it. have strangely avoided dean koontz. don't know why. just wasn't interested. so i read the second one, forever odd, which becca got for christmas. loved it, too. when i finally found that missing library book, i ran to the library and checked out more books by him. oh, my. have i become a dean koontz fan? how embarrassing.

winter

winter

yesterday was desperation.
flicker close, quicken me.
break my soul, touch my
false belief.
remember sorrow.
tear past this fake
emotion. compel me to
feel, to fight, to win.
destroy this winter.

dad

i did this painting in the months before my dad's death. i wanted to capture the gauntness of his hand, the swollen joints. the feeling of passing.

speaking in tongues

speaking in tongues

my mouth
says things i don't
intend to say. it's
an artesian well, springing
forth with pressure from
some unknown
source. stop
this clumsy
tongue. save stupidity
for another day.

...and a side of pharmeceuticals

the reason i like this painting is because each little pill is so painstakingly rendered. i used pills from our collection; this was done when dad was still alive, so i used mom's, dad's, and my pills as models. dad took an amazing amount of meds. they are what kept him alive, but in the end, they're what killed him; medication taken for one thing made his kidneys fail and he ultimately died of kidney failure.

stages

stages

can i believe your skin as you
kiss, price of smooth perfection.
excessive love moving me. desire

like death, dying. you're too far from me. endless.
your love like branches of a shifting
wind destroys the hot surface. essence.
pillow of sky

concealing dark rules. indifferent
your due, marking me. rusting
dreams. broken kiss forgotten.
pale emotion leaves you bare. alone.
i've already left. maybe i didn't believe enough.

want

want

quicken my small heart.
desire for something
more pulls me onward.
valleys fall before me.
my languid grasp lets loose
the wrong thing. winds
tug me off course, alone.

island

island

i hide my heart, so safe
from pain. rough
years of secret dreams.
moonlight searching for life.
one hundred lies hide my skin
my spirit my eyes. shallow
dancer giving nothing,
feeling nothing.

knitted purse

this was a commission from a friend. her favorite colors are chartruese and purple, so i put them together. two days later, her dog got it and chewed the bamboo handles to death. miraclessly, the bag itself was unharmed, so i just finished attatching new handles. lets hope this one lasts!

after

i wrote this poem in response to the shootings at wedgewood baptist church, which accured about a year after the columbine shootings. this one struck me hard because i *knew* people that were going to this church for the youth gathering in which the shootings accured, they were just running late.

after

i'm looking at a picture.
a picture of a girl, a young
woman on the verge
of change, on the cusp
of becoming, who should be concerned only
with what movie to see, what boy
to date, what dress
to wear to the prom. instead,
she's shaking like her bones
have turned to leaves or sheaves
of paper. like she'll never
feel summer again.

it's bright in this picture. the sun is low
and hard in the texas sky. she is still
shaking, waiting for everything
to make sense, for the world,
her quiet safe world, to comfort her.
waiting for someone to say it will be
okay. an older woman is in the picture,
talking to someone outside of the frame,
her back to the girl.
i want to say, "turn
around, look at her, hold her, rub her
back, run your hand over her hair. you're
an adult. make sense of this. make her feel
safe again." that's what she needs. what

i need. what we all need. some order. some explanation. line
up the causes clearly, a matched set
of green glass bowls, tidy and honest.
i look at this picture so long my eyes
burn. i can't make the woman turn
to face the girl. i can't make sense of it.
i can't get it out of my head.

choice

the thing about this one that i like is the sense of stillness opposed by a sense of movement; the background seems to reflect the state of mind of the woman in the picture

caterpillar pins

i love making these; i also make dragonflies and butterflies. too cute.

sister

sister

i'm walking down the hallway, past
doors leading into rooms which hold failing
lives, silent televisions and mint green
blankets which never seem warm enough. i'm

waiting for news on you, holding my
breath and coffee, careful not to spill
my heart as i avert my eyes away from
someone leaning against the wall. a doctor
is paged by a bored and boring voice. i'm willing

you okay, wishing back the hours and years,
hoping for a better outcome than what
might be expected. it's strange, walking these
carpeted floors with matching carpeted walls, like
they weren't sure which way was up.

leaving

leaving

this valley of sin,
draining my shallow love,
like secret reflections
hard and cold. try to
smooth and soften and
warm this slim heart.
you hold tight
to these shifting winds.
flame like remembrance
of life, illuminating missed
steps, lost words. i loose
this desperate ocean.