year in review~2012

this past year i started the new tradition of choosing a word to focus on, to think about, to guide my way, and to illuminate my path. i chose 'transform.' here is a bit of what i posted on my sister's and my business blog, two sisters beading:

trans·form

   

verb (used with object)

1.

to change in form, appearance, or structure; metamorphose.

2.

to change in condition, nature, or character; convert.

3.

to change into another substance; transmute.

4.

Synonyms:

alter, commute, convert, cook, denature, doctor, make over,metamorphose, mold, mutate, reconstruct, remodel, renew, revamp,revolutionize, shift gears, sing different tune, switch, switch over,transfer, transfigure, translate, transmogrify, transmute, transpose, turnaround, turn over new leaf, turn the corner, turn the tables

the words i'm most interested in are renew, transfigure, and to turn over a new leaf. to change in character. to metamorphosize. exciting! and i've begun this year with a redo of my room. it is the basement of my mother's house, so i have the whole floor. i'm going to clean it up and turn half of it into a studio for my beading, polymer clay, and metalsmithing. i'm soooo excited! it's a lot of work. i'm a bit of a hoarder and i've basically just let it go, but i really want this, so i'm totally dedicated to it.  wish me luck!

i just have to say it; oh. my. god. OH. MY. GOD. i asked for all of this!!!

2012 has been *the* most transformative year of my entire life. i began this year in bondage to my addiction. in bondage to my pain. in bondage to my *denial.* but God washed the scales from my eyes. he awoke me from my long hibernation. he *freed* me from my cavern of despair. 

I AM AWAKE!!! 

and i have been asleep for so very long. two days ago i found my last journal. i read through it yesterday; it was so amazing! i started it the month before deborah was born~the end of april, 2003. i goes through my stay in seattle with becca and jake in great detail. then it becomes quite infrequent. i don't even mention dad's death. i tell about damon dropping me as a friend, and when valette moved away. all of which happened about the same time. i mention just a tiny bit of my suicide attempt. and a bit on the chronicle of my cutting. and then i'm just silent. it's rather frightening; that decline. and all that bad stuff happened right around dad dying. 

i realized i've been asleep since dad died. i don't think i ever dealt with his death. with the death of my friendship with damon, dana, bridger, and valette. 

'...at that time my heart was all broke, 

i looked like ashes and i smelled like smoke, 

and i turned away from my loving kind, 

try to leave my body and live in my mind, 

but it's much too much emotion, 

to hold it in your hand...' james taylor song~line 'em up. love james taylor!

i'm awake. i'm awake!

a year ago i weighed 285lbs. now i'm 200lbs. i still have a ways to go (i want to get to 160) but i realized the other day that i've lost a child's worth of weight! deborah weighs 79lbs~she's nine. so i've been carrying around deborah since 2004! no wonder my knees have been killing me!

last week i called three shops around town to see if they'd be interested in carrying our jewelry! i've been meaning to do that for *years.* and then i met with the ladies at expressions in glass and we have about 15 pieces in their shop!!! the other two shops would like to see proposals!!! so exciting!!! yesterday becca and i stopped at the alaska rag company, where we've had our stuff for a couple of years, and picked up all the unsold stock. we went through it all at home and becca took apart all her wire necklaces that were there. she's scrapping most of them, but will rebuild two of them. and i'm going to take apart most of everything, and re-card a few things. so all of that felt really, really good. proactive! powerful! effective!

christine mason miller

and two weeks ago i called my massage therapist--kerry platzky from blue stone massage and am trading with her to get two massages!!! and *then* i called my chiropractor and am trading with *him* to get *four* adjustments!!! 

o. m. g.

i *can* accomplish things!!! i *can* change things. i am *capable.* i am *powerful.* i am *effective.*

through God i can accomplish all things. because God is alive and active in me. !!! 

this year i have revolutionized my relationship with God. i am beginning to believe God; that he is who is says he is, that he *loves* me. that i am actually a person who is worthy of love! whoa! even typing that i was resisting it. {grin} i wanted to type 'a person who *might* be worthy of love.' ah, so hard to think i'm lovable! inside i'm just that little girl who kept getting told by my father to get out of the way of the tv because he couldn't see his game. owie. to this day i hate sports with a passion. they make me feel inept and unloved and worthless. but it wasn't the sports. it wasn't *me!* it was my dad.

God, i forgive my dad for not being who i needed him to be. i forgive my dad for being human. for being *broken.*

Abba, i forgive *myself.* i forgive myself for making so many mistakes. for being human. for being broken. thank you for leading me to this place of brokeness so that i can finally see myself clearly. so that i can finally see *you* more clearly. wash the scales from my eyes, Father~God! continue to fear me from bondage as i seek your will in my life. lead me on the path everlasting.

Isaiah 61:1-7

61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.